Retaliatory Kindness
⏲ 2-minute read | last updated 2 weeks ago
In Aikido, there’s a philosophy of using an opponent's energy against them to neutralize a conflict, rather than brute force. It’s sometimes called the way of harmony and involves blending and redirecting an attacker's energy, rather than confronting it directly.
Can difficult conversations be the same way?
Applying the analogy would seem to make sense - the terminology is mostly the same for physical or verbal altercations. We feel attacked, we defend, they retaliate, they evade.
So like Aikido, is there a verbal equivalent to using your opponent's energy against them? Catching them off guard and redirecting their energy back toward them, or toward the conflict itself?
I think there is, and it involves responding with unexpected goodwill. For discussion, let's refer to this verbal Aikido as retaliatory kindness.
Retaliatory Kindness
Aggression begets aggression. Kindness begets...maybe some more aggression, but maybe something else?
Strictly as a strategic element in a conversation, responding to an attack with disproportionate kindness throws off your opponent. It changes the game - the Aikido equivalent of sidestepping and letting them sail by you. When we respond in this way, they aren't sure what to do. Certainly, there’s less to latch onto if you start with kindness and emotional generosity (acknowledge their position, agree with them, apologize, or deliver a compliment in return for an insult).
This seems to track. Objectively, not putting up a defense leaves you vulnerable, and when one person responds with vulnerability, it encourages reciprocity. It seems like often, all that's needed is for one person to make the first kind gesture to set in motion a positive spiral of events.
So if the standard practice isn’t working, I'll try switching up the game. Maybe it's unsuccessful, it's certainly not a guarantee. But it’s new, novel, and unpredictable - which is a stark contrast to the very predictable outcome of a hard-headed disagreement.
And remember, as so wisely put by Robert:
"Kindness is a free gesture that can brighten someone's day."
Or by Jedda:
"You never know the silent battles others are currently fighting."
Or by the author of the unsuspecting employee signage in the JuiceLand drive-thru window:
"You never know what someone is going through today. So please be nice and remember that kindness is contagious."
